The First Year of Marriage

Married at 25 and 27 — reflecting on finances, communication, and intimacy

Wow. Where do I even begin? First, I just want to start by saying thank you, Lord. We made it by Your grace. And the reason I say “we made it” is because it seems like many don’t make it past the first year. Plenty of the text messages we received from our married friends congratulating us on our one-year anniversary were followed by:

“That’s huge! The first year is the hardest. Not everyone makes it”.

I started thinking about that. Why is that such a common testimony? Is the first year of marriage really that trying?

While there are countless statistics, most studies agree that the two periods when divorce rates are the highest are years 1-2 and years 5-8.

Since I’m still very much a rookie, we’ll only unpack the first year here.

The first year of marriage is basically a crash course in cohabitation. Learning how to exist together in one space, negotiating thermostat settings, deciding who gets which side of the couch, checking to see if you’re still friends after a difference of opinion, and finding the right tone of prayer that doesn’t disturb your spouse’s sleep. Then there’s managing finances as a team, when before you might have just bought whatever was in your online shopping cart without feeling like you needed your director’s approval. And on top of all that, you’re building new routines that actually work for both people, especially if you’re like us and are still committed to sharing one car.

I started reflecting on what our first year looked like. There’s a lot to unpack but I’ll start with the moment my husband and I sat in our pastor’s office a few weeks before our wedding. He told us there are three main areas couples often struggle with: finances, communication, and sex. I thought, okay, good to know. I’ll pay attention to that.

So here’s how each of those went for us, more or less.

Finances

I believe you truly need a system for this one. We went with the 70:30 rule. What that means is, 70% of your pay goes into a joint account that covers pretty much everything – mortgage, trips, outings, groceries, bills, you name it. The other 30% stays in our personal accounts, which is perfect if you want to surprise your partner with something or splurge on yourself.

At the end of the day, we share the mindset that everything we have is shared. So, I want my husband to know I am more than welcome to dip into his 30% (just kidding). But seriously, having a system makes a huge difference, and this one works for us.

One thing we had to learn was how to align our expectations. When we moved into our home, I wanted to furnish the whole place all at once. My husband, on the other hand, kept reminding me that our output (spending) can’t exceed our input (what we earn) or we’d end up in a deficit. How’s that for a girl who married an economist?

In all actuality, it’s a pretty simple principle. But I’ve always been more of a “rip the Band-Aid off” kind of girl. I’d rather spend a huge chunk up front and then focus on saving after. Anyway, I’ve always thought of myself as pretty financially savvy, but I’m learning to let my husband take the lead on this one. I’ll happily buy that cute, highly functional reading lamp, the indoor house plant, and the cozy rug once my husband decides we have “more purchasing power”.

Communication

Dum dum dummmmm. This one takes practice.

Some of us think communication should just come naturally. Like, you should just understand me and I should just get you. But when I consider that there is an entire university degree dedicated to just communication…or the vast amount of communication trainings available in the corporate world… or that there is a team of people hired to send out communications throughout their department… it reminds me how complex this really is.

Something I’ve noticed I can improve on is listening fully before speaking. No interrupting, no listening while I think about what I will say back, but just actively listening. What a skill to master.

A scripture that comes to mind is Genesis 11:6:

“If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.”

This verse is from the story of the Tower of Babel, where the people all spoke the same language and came together to build a city that could reach the heavens. God himself had to step in and confuse their language to stop them. This comes to show me just how powerful speaking and understanding one another is.

So when it comes to communication in marriage, I often pray that my husband and I would be united in mind and speak the same language. Not just literally, but emotionally and spiritually, so that no goal we aim to achieve would be too difficult for us.

Sex

Ah yes, the dreaded topic. Which I still find very much taboo. Well, I’m here not to break the barrier but maybe just put a few dents in it.

As believers, we aim to remain abstinent until marriage. And let me say, it’s not easy. We’re humans, with hormones, imagination, and desires. I remember praying and asking God to give me the strength to abstain.

I can do all things through Him who gives me strength, including this.

If you’re a believer preparing for marriage, you’ve probably whispered those words too, and if you’re reading this, picture me in the stands of your life, cheering

“Keep going, you can do this!”

There was one question that floated through my mind during my season of waiting.

How will I know I’ll enjoy sex with my spouse if we wait until marriage?

In a world that says “don’t buy the car until you test-drive it”, this is a valid question, one that was even directed to me while speaking on a relationship panel. What encouraged me was that there’s an entire book in the Bible – Song of Solomon – dedicated to romantic, passionate love in marriage. That suggested to me that God doesn’t just permit sexual joy, He actually designed it.

And if it happens that it’s awkward or underwhelming at first? That’s okay. I like to think of sex a bit like cooking. If your spouse adds too much salt to the dish, simply ask them to scale it back. And if there’s not enough, ask them to add a little more next time. Do you see where I’m going with this? Communication is not a threat to intimacy, it’s a catalyst. Sharing your expectations, your likes, your dislikes should be welcomed, not avoided, and they should be handled with care. There’s no room for ego when it comes to something so sacred. And frankly, if you both can’t talk about it honestly, how will you be able to enjoy it fully?

Over time, what was once unfamiliar becomes a place of trust, play, joy, and connection.

Acknowledgement

I’ve seen firsthand how choosing a partner can alter the course of your life. And I’m thankful every single day that I chose, and was chosen, by someone who continues to make not just my life, but my days, feel like I’m taking in a beautiful sunset by the ocean.

So to my husband,

Thank you for walking this past year with me. For your patience, your wisdom, your leadership, your humor, your home cooking, and your unconditional love. I’ve learned so much as your rib. Here’s to many more years of choosing each other, again and again.